Grieving Tamirat....

Today is the first day....the first day that I have been able to return to this blog since Tam's death on January 19th.  It is still very surreal.  I have to move on, I know I do, but it is still really difficult.  His pictures are still on our mantle, but, I can't go into his bedroom.  Not yet anyway.  It is still Tamirat's.  I think it always will be "his" room.  Everything in it was bought with him in mind. 

I cried for 10 straight days.  I finally caught a break this weekend, but it hit me again about an hour ago.  I guess it is all a part of the grieving process.  Thankfully, my family and friends have been so supportive, and our WHFC adoption family too.  Several families reached out to Doug and me (A&T, J, C - thank you so much for your support!), and I couldn't have gotten this far without you all.  In addition, I was fortunate to connect with another family who lost their little boy only 4 short days before Tamirat.  Although they are with a different agency, to have another woman there by my side, who was experiencing very similar emotions was so comforting.  We were able to set up an adoption loss group on Yahoo for families who have experienced the same loss.  We hope that no other family will EVER have to endure what we have, but the very sad reality is, it will most likely happen again.

We have learned a lot about our baby Tam over the last few weeks.  We learned that he may have been sicker than we ever had anticipated.  We learned that he was loved by so many people around the country, and 10,000 miles away in Ethiopia.  We learned how blessed we are, knowing that he knew that he had a family waiting for him that LOVED him so very much.  We learned how blessed he was, having a "family" of nannies who loved and cared for him for several months in Ethiopia.  We learned that this little boy has touched more lives in 6 months than I will do in my lifetime.  We learned that it is okay to grieve, and to cry, a lot.  We learned that closure will be difficult, and may not happen until we can visit his plot in Addis Ababa.  We also learned that re-imagining our lives would be something that we never would have dreamed we would have to do.....

I wanted to include the email that I sent on to our agency's Yahoo group, informing everyone of my biggest nightmare.  I can't go back to that day, so I wanted to share with you how we felt (and are still feeling):

Yesterday morning, around 8am Ethiopian time, our beautiful baby boy, Tamirat, passed away. The unthinkable, every adoptive parent's worst nightmare happened to our family. The past two days have honestly been the 2 worst days of our lives. One minute, our world was filled with happiness and joy, the next minute, was one filled with sadness and grief. We are incredibly fortunate to have a wonderful support network of family, friends, colleagues, and adoptive families who understand and share in our grief. To understand what it is to love a child so much that you have never met or held before...to understand what it is like to have wanted that baby so much, you would have done anything for him.


We were able to go to WHFC this afternoon. They assured us that all of the children are safe and sound, as it was likely pneumonia that caused his death. He had a proper burial today in Addis, and when Doug and I have the opportunity to travel to the HH, they will bring us to his grave.

I hope one day that we will have hope again, that the tears will stop flowing, and we will find the love in our hearts to open our lives up, but until then, dear Tamirat, we love you and you will ALWAYS be our son.


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