Tears, more tears, and lots of laughter

We have been home now for 3 weeks and 1 day.  Let me be completely honest here...I didn't think I would make it through the first week.  The first week is tough, add on siblings, and their age, and it was enough to turn me gray overnight.  It does get easier though, day by day.  I think being a parent overnight is a shock to the system.  We weren't used to routines, like the strict routines that they are both used to.  We weren't used to comforting a child every single time they cried.  We weren't used to creating boundaries.  But, we are getting better, and so are they.  They are joyous 90% of the time.  The other 10% presents a challenge....they test us, they want their way, they get frustrated, and they grieve.  I still consider us very fortunate; we haven't gotten anything thrown at us, nor have they used their teeth, or spit at us.  Its basically crying, and lots of it when they feel like that is what they need to do.  Take right now for example, as much as it hurts me, I didn't give in.  Biskut did not want to go to bed, so she cried.  I picked her up, comforted her, loved her, brought her back downstairs for 20 minutes.  She was a-ok, running around the house, laughing...then it was time to go back to bed.  She didn't want any part of it.  So, she is upstairs, crying hysterically.  Does that make me a bad Mom?  If anyone has suggestions, please let me know.  We currently have Muse and Biskut sharing her room, therefore, the unfortunate part is she is keeping him awake. 

I wanted to write about adopting older children, and what we have experienced so far.  I am so grateful that we adopted siblings.  They laugh together, play together, keep each other entertained at night (sometimes) and during the day (sometimes).  They are definitely siblings though.  One will instigate the other, cause a fight, then an emotional breakdown.  This is how it usually begins, either that, or they get upset because they aren't getting what they want.  Sometimes the cries last for 5 minutes (with Muse, if you tickle him, he usually breaks out of it), or for 60 minutes.  Muse has a sad, moaning cry, while Biskut has the very angry cry.  We realize that the crying means that they are grieving, and are feeling something....the loss of their family, their friends and their country.  It is healthy that they grieve.  I would be much more concerned if they didn't cry at all, and held it all in until one day, they broke.  Usually, they allow us to hold them while they cry, and if they don't want us touching them, they let us know.

We still don't know how old they are.  We went to Children's Hospital in Boston, and the current recommendation is to wait 1 year until they do the bone scan, allowing time for good nutrition.  Otherwise, she said the scan could be off by more than 1 year.  Based on her assessment, our "little" Muse may be 7ish, and Biskut 4.5.  We aren't totally surprised.  Our social worker told us that may be the case, so just a word of caution....you're 4 year old may be 6 (as is the case with one of the families we met in ET), or your 5 year old may be 7 (as was the case with a couple of us in ET).  Something to think about, the more time our children spent in Ethiopia, the more difficult the transition in most cases.  They experienced more, they remember more, and they had a real identity in Ethiopia....here, they can't communicate, and right now, have no idea who they are or who they will become.  The other interesting thing that occurred at Children's Hospital was that Muse refused to talk to the interpreter.  He wanted nothing to do with him (and because Muse didn't want to talk, neither did Biskut).  Their physician thought maybe they were concerned that the interpreter (a middle aged man) would take them back to ET, or, they just don't want to have anything to do with Ethiopia right now.  It really was a shame, because both Doug and I wanted to know if there was anything they wanted us to know. 

The still love food.  Some of their favorites are chicken, hamburgers, hot dogs, corn on the cob, watermelon, bananas, french fries/potato chips, peanut butter and jelly, any bread, Cheerios, scrambled eggs, milk, (Muse loves steak, strawberries & broccoli), graham crackers, goldfish, summer squash & red peppers.  They now love "buna" ice cream (coffee...but only in a cone....they still haven't gotten the hang of eating it).  I was very concerned about what I would feed them, and am so relieved that I don't have to worry about it at all.  I took out the berbere once...they were so excited.  They wanted it on plain pasta, so I sprinkled it on, and they barely ate it. 

Don't waste your money on toys...at least not before you bring them home.  We bought them each of few, we didn't go overboard, but they each had a handful of new things to play with.  They really haven't played with anything.  They aren't accustomed to having anything, so they don't really spend the day playing with their toys.  I was even able to remove all of the toys from Biskut's bedroom to minimize the distractions at bedtime, and they never asked where they were, and they haven't looked for them either.  To date, their favorite thing to do is to swim.  If you have any land, and you don't already own a pool, I would highly recommend one of those pop-up pools.  Ours is only 12' by 2.5', and they spend hours in it!  It will make life much easier for you.  It was, by far, the best $80 we have ever spent!  We may invest in a larger one for next summer.  Other hits are our keyboard (basically, anything that makes a noise), Little Tykes Hoppy ball things, their bikes, VTech learning computer ($20 at Target....great for ABC's and numbers).  Other than that, it really could all be packed away.  Oh, and of course, books are huge.

Another big surprise is how particular they are about their clothing.  My mom went a little nuts buying them each a full wardrobe, and little Biskut is very picky.  Not big on shorts, nothing sleeveless (which makes sense), but she loves skirts and capris!  Also, both of our children wear sweatshirts daily....even in 90+ degree weather.  We have spoken to other families in our travel group, and they are experiencing the same warm clothing dilemma.

We were very concerned about our two dogs at first (both around 50-60 lbs), neither with much experience around children.  Although we continue to be extremely vigilant with the older dog (Abbey), they really are getting used to the kids.  I wouldn't let either of the children jump all over the dogs, but all in all, they are settling in.  We started dog training in March, thinking that we had loads of time, but, we didn't.  So, the one thing I would suggest is to start getting your dog(s) used to being around kids.  Take him/her for a walk in the neighborhood....let the children pet him/her (always under supervision, and always under their chin, never on top of their head), and start playing with some toys on the floor to get the dogs used to stuff being around (both recommendations from our trainer).  The other thing we did 10 minutes after we arrived home (as hard as this is), was to take both children and both dogs on a walk.  This helps to establish that our children were now a part of the pack!  I do think it has helped, and we continue to walk as a family whenever we can (2 kids in 2 strollers, 2 parents, 2 dogs). 

And, we have had a few adventures this past week with the kids.  After their doctor's visit, we took them to the New England Aquarium.  They were fascinated, for about 20 minutes, and then the novelty wore off and all we heard from Muse was, ma-keen-a, ma-keen-a.....his way of telling us that it was time to go.  So, we listened.  We didn't want a public meltdown.  We went to two family parties.  They lasted 4.5 hours at the first one and 6 hours at the second!!  Very impressive for less than 3 weeks home.  We also went out to dinner on Friday night with my dad and his wife.  Again, all was good.  Today, Doug took Muse to a matinee, and he lasted through 3/4 of the movie....and then.....ma-keen-a, ma-keen-a.....Muse and Doug subsequently left the movie early. 

As I finish typing this post, all is quiet upstairs.  I am guessing she has exhausted herself, and cried herself to sleep.  Poor little girl.  I love her so much!  Muse loves his Daddy.  We will all be working on making sure our little man respects his Mommy too over the next few months.  I think part of it is definitely cultural, but its all about Daddy right now. 

If anyone has any suggestions, about anything, especially sleep, please feel free to post or email me at ellieandabbey@yahoo.com