Figuring It All Out....

Let me start by saying this, "I will never have it figured out."  I don't know why things happen the way they do.  I don't know why people always say, "things happen for a reason," without anyone really knowing what that reason was.  I don't know why we were chosen to parent Tamirat, and, I don't know why he was taken from us.  I continue to ask "why" and "what-if," but need to come to grips that I will never know "why," and will never, ever have the answers that I want, and deserve.  But, that's life, isn't it?  So, let me tell you what I (with Doug's help, of course), have figured out.  We want siblings.  We wanted siblings from the start, but were taken down a different path.  A path that I do NOT regret, not even for a second.  I loved in way that I wasn't sure I was capable of loving, and felt pain in a way I didn't know I was capable of feeling.

We met with WHFC on Friday morning.  Basically, because our homestudy initially stated that we were interested in siblings, they were not concerned that we were changing our request.  However, we are being put on a "pseudo" hold.  We need our social worker to complete another homestudy visit, so our report can be updated.  Then, we have to re-file with the USCIS office in Boston to reflect the changes in both the number of children and their ages.  We are keeping with the two children, ages 5-ish and 2-ish request.  Because we are choosing not to specify gender, it is likely that we will get a referral for 2 boys, which is a-ok with me.  So, I am hoping to hear from our SW early this week so that we can get this process moving along.  Its hard enough having gone through what we went through, nevermind now having to wait for more processes to occur.  Ugh.

I am feeling a little better, although, I do have moments when I feel sorry for myself.  Really sorry for myself.  I probably shouldn't admit it, but its probably pretty normal too.  I have a meeting to go to in Philadelphia for a week in March which I am absolutely dreading.  By all calculations, we very likely would have been picking Tamirat up that week.  Its like losing a child during pregnancy with your travel date being your due date.   I know most people wouldn't quite understand it, but the adoption community isn't like "most people."  I have to figure out a way to make it through....

Another thing that will change is that I will not be telling everyone after we get our referral.  I will keep it hush, except for close family, friends, and my blog community.  I told all of my colleagues first time around, and it was so hard telling them our news.  This time, I will wait until we are closer to travel.  Who can blame me for that?

We are starting to do more home projects.  One, to keep my mind off things, and two, because now we have time that we didn't think we would have.  Painting and carpeting will start off the list.  I am sure I will find additional projects (like changing our exercise room to a child's room) over the next few months.  If anyone has any suggestions on how to pass the time, please let me know!  It will my MUCH, MUCH harder this time....espcecially the wait to pass court.  I will be a mess, and anything to keep my mind off of things will be appreciated.

We had a nice weekend, dinner with friends on Friday night, and we just returned home from dinner in Boston's North End with my brother and his wife.  Its so nice to get our minds off of everything, if even for a little while.  I also met another adoptive mom that I have been keeping in touch with.  It was great to finally meet her, as both she and her husband have been so sweet during our difficult time.  Its also so nice to have other local families, so that when we do have our children home, we can have play dates with other Ethiopian-American children.

Life does go on, and  do I understand that (even though its difficult sometimes), and now it is about trying to focus on our life ahead of us...on two children who need us as much as we need them....