UN-ethical Behavior

Adoption ethics doesn’t only apply to International Adoptions.  Last week, we learned this the hard way.


Let me back up a few weeks.  On October 26th, we received an email from our home study agency about an almost 3-year old bi racial boy who needs a family. ASAP. We talked about it, and decided it was worth looking into further.  We first spoke to our HS agency, and were then re directed to an agency in Florida.  We spoke to the “agency” in FL (a one woman show, much like our HS agency), and she was able to provide additional details.  I don’t want to get into specifics, but suffice it to say that this was a very complicated case.  And the least complicated component was the fact that this little guy had a half sister in MA. Sound familiar?


We talked about it some more, and decided to pursue his adoption, beginning with the creation of a family profile.  We submitted our profile to the “agency” in FL, and waited.  And waited some more, until we received a call from our HS agency that his birth mom never received our profile.  A little odd, perhaps?  And that is just the beginning.


Our HS agency sent our profile to his birth mom (thereby, “taking over” the case that wasn’t HS agency’s to begin with) that evening, followed by a 10pm call from his birth mom to talk to us.  I spoke with her for almost an hour.  She cried. I got choked up.  What do you say to a birth mom about to relinquish her rights to her 3 year old?


The next morning, while at work, I received a call from HS agency.  HS agency told me that they would like us to parent the little guy.  Okay, I could handle that part.  Then she told me that I would have to book 5 plane tickets for her, little guy, and her family and bring them to MA this weekend, or next week at the very latest. GULP.  I mean, we were waiting for an International Adoption, which we knew could take easily a year or more.  We were not, at all, prepared for a Domestic Adoption, never mind one that would happen in less than 7 days.  During our call, I took some notes, and then panicked.  I already was well aware of the potential complications (eg, a birth father who already has refused to consent), and told HS agency that I wanted to speak to a lawyer.  I needed to buy some time, even if it was a week or two.


You are probably wondering where the “un-ethical behavior” kicks in, right?  Its hard to include the multitude of details while preserving the confidentiality of this family, but I think it is worthwhile sharing our experience. It opened our eyes.


The HS agency was pushing us to complete the adoption ASAP, and in Massachusetts.  You see, if it happened in MA (the family was in the south, and planned on moving very soon, again, and further away), HS agency would collect some pretty hefty fees from us.  If the adoption occurred in a month or two, the family would have already been on their way to another state.  If we went out of state to complete the process, HS agency wouldn’t receive a penny. Issue #1.


We were being pushed, and pushed hard, to do this immediately.  It was important to us that we meet him first, and not just fly a family up here, meet him, get cold feet and send the family back down south.  That would be crazy.  But, that is what HS agency expected us to do. Issue #2.  By the way, the birth family wanted to meet us first, too, before moving ahead, but that wasn’t what HS agency wanted us to do.  And that was pretty damn clear.


We had no medical information on the little guy, no family history on his birth mom, no documentation on whether birth dad would consent, and yet, this adoption was to occur this week. Issue #3


I spoke to FOUR adoption attorneys. Two out¬ of- state (one in the state they were living in and one in the state they were moving to), and two Massachusetts adoption attorneys. My first conversation went a little like this. Lawyer: “…if you think you are going to go down to [insert state here] and complete this adoption in a week or two, you’re wrong. There is more to this story that they are telling you and I suggest that you speak to HS agency and social worker. This equation doesn’t add up….I hate to be blunt with you, Amy, but some things are not meant to be, and this may be one of them.” Gulp. Did he know something that I didn’t (again, due to confidentiality, all I can say that it is quite possible based on the situation). I owed it to this little guy to keep investigating.


That evening, I called HS agency with some significant reservation, but I wasn’t going to give up, not yet anyway. She flat out told me that maybe domestic adoption wasn’t for us “Amy, most people would get on a plane and go pick him up and worry about the details later,” she said. And then threw in the stab, “maybe we should stick with international adoption.” [I think that it is also important to note that little guy was not in danger, if he was, that would be a different story all-together.] That, my friends, pissed me off. We were never intending to pursue a domestic adoption, we were contacted by them. And just because we don’t want to jump into something head first without having the facts first, doesn’t mean we aren’t cut out for domestic adoption [screw you]. We weren’t asking to delay HS agency timeline by months here. We were asking to meet him the first weekend in December, as in, the weekend after Thanksgiving, and try to work through the paperwork either right before or right after the holidays. We were even trying to figure out a way to meet him T-Day weekend, and complete the process sooner. I owed it to this little guy to keep forging on….and I did.


I got in touch with another MA adoption attorney. She answered the phone (which I wasn’t expecting), and I just started to blurt out the facts in this case. She actually knew of this child already, which goes to show just how small of a world adoption can be. She was sickened that HS agency was trying to peddle him so quickly. She was sickened by HS agency behavior. She was sickened that any agency would try to push any family into an adoption, before the family had any “real” information about a child. She was sickened by the fact that HS agency expected a 3 year old to be ripped from his mother’s arms (the only caregiver he has ever known, this was not a DSS situation), and placed into our arms, just like that. Overnight. No transition, no counseling plan. Nothing. And all to make a buck. Oh, and in her opinion, this was a great case study in adoption ethics. Period. And as my grandfather would say, “end of discussion.”


I find it all gross and discouraging.  I am so sad for this little boy. I am not sure what will become of him. Within an hour of us notifying HS agency that this is not a good fit for us right now, I received an email. “Ok, thanks.  Sorry it didn't work out for you.  I already have 4 other families interested.”  Good for him, I hope.