Attachment. Older Children, Older Parents.

Several months ago, there was a call to bloggers to post about attachment. Granted, I am a little late, but as they say, better late than never. If you asked me when we first came home, I probably would have given a slightly different perspective (being new parents, ie, not knowing exactly what a tantrum looks like, etc). Today, however, my perspective is likely more realistic, so it’s a good time to share.

We prepared ourselves for the worst. We read Deborah Gray’s Attaching in Adoption, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft, and Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child. I read countless blogs, spoke to many adoptive parents, followed the yahoo groups, and attended adoption prep classes. I expected tantrums, getting hit, spit, or having various household items chucked at me. I was even nervous for our 2 dogs, not knowing how the kids would react to them or vice versa (another post for another day). We expected the worst. While we were staying with them at their transitional home, we didn’t see any behaviors that would make us think they would be a challenge when they arrived home. And you know what? All in all, we didn’t have any severe behavior challenges upon arrival home. What I didn’t recognize as tantruming then, probably was. I can count on one hand (between both children) how many times in occurred, but it did occur. The crying that made our hearts hurt. Wailing. Fists pounding on the floor. Totally inconsolable. For almost an hour. It was exhausting to watch and listen to, and we couldn’t believe how they must have felt. A human reaction to change, uncertainty, confusion, and being pulled from a family and country you love.

Throughout it all, I only reached out to our social worker once for advice, at our one week home visit. M, when he wasn’t getting his way, would look for an escape route. I was nervous for him, and for us. In Ethiopia, our children probably had little, or no, boundaries….the earth was their playground. Our house sits on a corner of a cul-de-sac and a fairly well-traveled road; certainly not worth any risk of him running out and not looking where he is headed. We thought about putting an alarm system on the front door (he could probably jump our backyard fence), or adding an additional lock or two (to which we would have held the key). Luckily, within the first 2 weeks home, his tendency to look for an “out” had subsided, at which point we knew our son was starting to feel a little safer with us.

I remember being concerned about B. Often, she wouldn’t make eye contact. It was if she was looking around me, or sometimes right through me. When speaking to her, I would gently hold her face in my hands, turn her face towards mine, and gently ask that she look at Mommy. She allowed me to hug, hold, and kiss her, but the eye contact was tough for her. I knew she was bonding with us, and this was the one thing that would take some time. Within a couple of months, eye contact was no longer an issue.

Fast forward one full year. B loves to be loved. She loves giving and receiving kisses and affection. She is probably the most affectionate and sweet child I have ever met. She is kind hearted, generous, and selfless. Just like her Ethiopia daddy told us. M is securely attached to Doug’s hip. Where Doug goes, M goes (much like B and me). The difference is that B will reach out to Doug, and accept his affection, whereas M accepts Doug’s affection readily, but not from me as easily (depending on his mood). It is commonplace for me to chase him around the house trying to give him a kiss, or a hug, while he laughs during this game of chase. This does make attachment more challenging for me, with him. I love him. He is funny, spirited, athletic as hell, and sweet. He just doesn’t show affection towards me like he does his daddy. Part of it is a boy thing, part of it is culture (many parents of older boys have shared this with me; in a 2 parent household, boys often show much more respect to the man of the household), and part of it is me. Moving forward, I have to spend more 1:1 dedicated time with my son. To strengthen our bond and connection. It’s easy with B, which is probably why we spend so much quality time together. With M, it takes a bit more effort, and the effort has to come from the adult in the house. The effort has to come from within me. M, I promise you that we will start doing more together….more reading, playing golf, watching movies together. Whatever it takes, I will be there.