I have been thinking about this post all day. It was suppose to be a Valentine's Day post (I may get to that one later), but instead, I got myself a little dose of reality, from my daughter. I tell her everyday how much I love her, how beautiful (conjo) she is, I kiss her, I hug her, and I just hope that love will be enough. Yesterday, I had my first glimpse into how tough our reality may be as they grow up in a white family.
I came home from work, Doug was getting dinner ready, so I changed into my comfy clothes (sweats and a t-shirt....I can't stand to be in work clothes while at home). Biskut follows me around as she always does...where I go, she is. I took her into her bathroom so I could comb through her gorgeous, curly locks. I pulled through a couple of tangles, and then we added our favorite hair products to help bring her curls back to life. I left her in the bathroom to check on dinner.
And then she came downstairs.
And she said,
"I don't like my face." GULP.
I wasn't exactly sure what she was getting at, and I looked over at her.
She took her finger, and circled it around her face while saying, "I don't want dis face, I want dat face," now pointing at my face.
UGH.
"Not like-a dis," now pointing to the "black" appliance in our kitchen.
"Like-a dat," pointing back at me.
SMACK.
That is what it felt like. She is the most beautiful little girl....ever. Her skin glows. Her eyes sparkle. And yet, at the age of 5, she sees that she is different, and wants to look more like me. The one thing that I want to teach her. The one thing I need to teach her....is to love herself.
She was forced to leave her country. To leave a place where she was surrounded by family and friends that look like her. It wasn't her decision to make. It was our decision to make. We made a very conscious decision to adopt children who do not, and will never, look like us. Although we are okay with being a bi-racial family, will they be okay?
I get the sense that this is just the beginning.
I want her to love the skin she is in.
Accra Time
The Art of French Chic in Children’s Fashion
2 years ago
Wowsa. ...... I would not have expected that..
ReplyDeleteAh yes, I am waiting for that one too. I know that a lot of international adoptive parents hear this. She loves you and thinks you are beautiful, and therefore wants to look like you. Poor girl. What did you say to her? Biskut is beautiful and I hope that one day she can feel and SEE her beauty.
ReplyDeleteIt really bothered me the first few times Netsanet said similar things. But Annie's definitely on to something. As I've talked with N about what's behind her comments, it seems to have less to do with the fact she doesn't like who she is or how she looks, and more to do with her loving me and therefore wanting to be like me. Still, I'm realizing that one of our most important ongoing jobs is to affirm these precious kids' beauty and uniqueness, to surround them with positive images, and to remind them that beauty comes in all types and colors.
ReplyDeleteSo hard...
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ellen, though. I think it is probably more a case of wanting to be LIKE you than not being happy with who she is. Still, must have been so hard to hear.
I concur with the ladies above. But that doesn't make it easier to handle. Just keep reinforcing those positive messages. I'm so sad little B feels like that... I really liked your comments about you and your husband being OK with being a transracial family, but will they? Such food for thought as the kids get older. I guess our families will have to work extra hard to keep those lines of communication open...
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Hi honey,
ReplyDeleteIt definitely tears at your heart and mine too. Hopefully Biskut will see, feel, and believe she is beautiful inside and out as you and Doug embrace her with love. Attending the Ethiopian get togethers, like the one in January, is a great way to boost her self-image and confidence.
Big hug,
Grammy Susie
Oh, that must be so hard to hear! And I'm with the others that it is probably because she wants to be like you (which is a testament to all the attachment work you've been doing). But still not easy. Is there some way you and she are alike that you can emphasize? Do you read Julie's blog? Her daughter went through something like this recently and she let her daughter dye a streak of her hair purple, just like Julie had.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with you, Biskut is the most beautiful five year old in the world!
Ouch. That must have been so hard to hear. As much as we can read and learn and think about these issues that we know we will face as transracial parents, it's got to be a shock to the system. I agree with the ladies above (although, what do I know? I'm still waiting!) that it is probably mostly that she wants to be like you - not that she doesn't love herself. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteNo words of wisdom, just empathy...
ReplyDeleteEmpathy here. Not looking forward to this. My only thought - and I am making this up right now- is that because we don't look like our kids, and because they look up to us, and want to belong to us, and thus might have those feelings of not wanting to look like they do, we have to fight to make sure they have positive black adult role models in their lives. We have been taking a good look at our circle of friends and wanting to make sure it includes more families of color for these reasons.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts.
Thanks for posting on my blog so I could find yours and follow your story! That sure is a blessing that they live so close....unbelievable really.
ReplyDelete